Friday, April 14

Memories and grief

I'm feeling the urge to post again. Have a number of post ideas running through my mind, but there's something I need to take care of first. Last Friday, my friend Ann Komadina died. She was a good person, kinder and more generous to me than I deserved. We did more than a few projects together, and I found it very easy to speak with her. For those who frequently visit my blog, she often posted comments. In fact, I'm fairly certain it was her early comments me with the impetus necessary to making posting more regularly. I'm glad to have known and am saddened that others no longer have the opportunity to.

Here I am now, a week later. It gets better, but I still don't think I'm over her death. I don't know if I feel better about writing these things, but, at the very least, I think they could help someone else. Feeling as though you're the only one who feels your grief in the way you do and that noone can understand your feelings is a terrbile way to go. Hopefully, if someone experiences a death the same way I did and feels the same way about it, they will read this and not feel so alone.

I've never read a book on the stages of grief, but I've picked up a little about them. Denial, negotiation, I've heard of them. Didn't really experience them though. When I heard Ann had died, I sat down and stared. I never questioned them. There was no denial. I realized that I couldn't do anything to help her now either, so neither was there any negotiation. For a while, I really hated myself, for not being better to her, but that passes as I try to act and make sure no person ever dies that I regret how I treated, though that makes my failures sting all the more.

No, the strongest and longest lasting emotion that has arisen from is anger. Not some general feeling. No, this anger is directed at those really bleeding good people that I posted about earlier. Seeing them go about comforting people, myself among them, and being decent makes me all the more uncomfortable and angry. "Why can't I be at their level?" I ask myself. "Why can't I be as good as them?" I wanted them to stop and still do to the extent that they're so kind. But I can't express myself to them. I don't want to add to their problems, and they've been overwhelmingly good to those who need it, never showing me less than pure kindness. So I choke on my anger, and it turns to self loathing as I realize how terrible it is to feel this way.

It bothers me that I can't cry when others are around. That first night I went off by myself and cried, but, whenever someone came to comfort me, I stopped. It wasn't a some machoism or a conscious decision, I just couldn't do it. I was still sad, still wanted to cry but nothing would come. Add on to that the fact that I surrounded myself with my friends for most of the weekend, and it disturbed me to see tears stream down their faces when none graced mine. Like I said, it bothers me, like I'm not sad enough that Ann's dead or something.


Anonymous said...

Christoph, I know this is rather belated, but you ARE a good person. I know it doesn't probably mean much coming from me, but I think you are a very good person. We all just need help once in a while.

Anonymous said...

That was Patrick up there by the way....

Anonymous said...

You are much further along your journey than you realize. Until you learn to accept and love Chris for who he is, you cannot express love or hate for anyone else. People sometimes see things in you that you cannot yet see yourself. You are your harshest critic, for you know all of the feelings that you worry others will not find acceptable. By revealing these to your closest friends, you free yourself of this self loathing and learn love and acceptance.

At this time, you worry that if you DO reveal your innermost secrets that you will be rejected. This is intolerable for many. However, you will never free yourself of this shackle and be able to love others, until you learn to love Chris.

Based on your writings on this blog, you have many talents and much love to give. It is time to accept yourself for who you are and reveal this to your friends. Afterall, friends are those who know our faults, but love us nonetheless. It is this foundation of friendship that will set you free to walk the remainder of your life journey.

You will accomplish much, but not without your friends knowing your innermost secrets. Let the lesson of your friend Ann, be to resolve to tell others who you are and receive their love and acceptance in return.